Are You Spiritually Bypassing Through ‘Unconditional Love’?”
“Unconditional love doesn’t mean unconditional tolerance of harm.”
🌟 PART I: WHAT IS SPIRITUAL BYPASSING, REALLY?
Spiritual bypassing was first coined by psychologist John Welwood, who defined it as:
“The tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.”
Source: Toward a Psychology of Awakening
When it comes to love, bypassing often sounds like:
- “Love and light only!”
- “If I forgive enough, they’ll change.”
- “Real love has no limits or conditions.”
But here’s the truth:
Love without boundaries isn’t spiritual. It’s self-abandonment in disguise.
🚀 PART II: WHY “UNCONDITIONAL LOVE” CAN BE USED TO AVOID TRUTH
When we are taught that love means endless forgiveness, endless sacrifice, endless endurance — we’re not practicing divine love. We’re repeating trauma patterns.
In the name of “unconditional love,” people often:
- Stay in toxic relationships
- Excuse abuse or betrayal
- Tolerate manipulation
- Abandon their own needs and self-respect
Unconditional love does not mean unconditional access to you.
True spiritual maturity is holding two truths:
- I can love you and protect myself.
- I can forgive you and walk away.
😦 REAL STORY: TERRY COLE’S JOURNEY TO BOUNDARIED LOVE
Terry Cole, licensed psychotherapist and author of Boundary Boss, shares openly about her history of overgiving in relationships under the guise of “being spiritual” and “loving unconditionally.”
In an interview with MindBodyGreen, she recounts:
“I thought my endless forgiveness and flexibility was compassion. It wasn’t. It was fear of being alone.”
She realized that setting boundaries wasn’t an act of anger — it was an act of self-love.
Today, she teaches that:
“Healthy relationships have two autonomous, whole people who can love freely — not out of obligation, but out of authenticity.”
Source: Boundary Boss by Terry Cole
🤦️ PART III: SIGNS YOU’RE Bypassing Through “Unconditional Love”
- You’re afraid to speak up because “spiritual people don’t judge.”
- You feel drained after interactions but tell yourself to “just love more.”
- You confuse loyalty with suffering.
- You stay silent to keep the peace.
- You ignore red flags because “everyone has wounds.”
Loving someone doesn’t require losing yourself.
🎉 PART IV: WHAT TRUE, SPIRITUALLY ALIGNED LOVE LOOKS LIKE
1. Boundaries Are Seen As Bridges
Not walls. They are structures for healthy exchange.
2. Honesty Is the Language of Love
Not every truth will be easy. But truth without attack is love.
3. Discernment Is Cherished
You don’t open your heart indiscriminately. You open it wisely.
4. Compassion Includes Self-Compassion
If your compassion only extends outward and never inward, it’s incomplete.
Read: The Gifts of Imperfection – Brené Brown
🌟 PART V: HOW TO MOVE FROM Bypassing to Boundaried Love
1. Acknowledge Where You Override Your Own Needs
Write out moments you “loved unconditionally” but ignored your body’s “No.”
2. Define Your Non-Negotiables
What is sacred to you? (Respect? Honesty? Emotional safety?) Write them down.
3. Reframe Boundaries as Loving
Your “No” is not rejection. It’s reverence — for both your heart and theirs.
4. Practice Expressing Needs Early
Don’t wait until you’re resentful. Speak with clarity and kindness.
5. Honor the Pain of Growth
Yes, setting boundaries may disappoint people used to you overgiving. But losing your truth is a bigger tragedy.
Read: Radical Acceptance – Tara Brach
🌌 FINAL WORD: LOVE WITH OPEN EYES, NOT EMPTY HANDS
You didn’t come here to be a doormat. You didn’t come here to confuse abandonment with awakening.
You came here to love fiercely and wisely. To offer forgiveness without offering yourself on an altar.
To say:
“I can love you fully, and still honor myself completely.”
That’s not selfish. That’s sacred. That’s real spiritual mastery.
So love. But love with open eyes. Love without erasing yourself.
Because true love — divine love — never asks you to disappear. It asks you to expand.
📖 RESOURCES & FURTHER READING
